07-17-2017, 11:41 AM
Suddenly my breath ran for the word "slow" as well.
The poem is fresh and the topic is new (at least to me). I like the idea of the protagonist chasing the word "slow," and though I imagine that means writers block, stuck on literary pieces, etc...
Some words you have choses to ryhm are more on the "basic" side, which is no mean a bad thing if the artist knows how to execute it well. It didn't post much of a problem, so props for that. The edited poem you have posted is, I can say without doubt, better (sorry former poem!) It's shorter and the words we see are the foundation. It's more simple. And that brings me to the point of the simplicity of your poem.
This can be read by an audience of most ages, and that's awesome. The vocabulary isn't too over-the-top, allowing for people to understand your poem whole still being satisfied vocabulary wise.
A complaint I do have is the line with the birds flapping away. Although metaphors can be seen as abstract and random, I feel like this metaphor doesn't go well with the poem as a whole. I'll leave you to decide whether or not to keep it.
Overall a great poem, I hope you write more in the future!
The poem is fresh and the topic is new (at least to me). I like the idea of the protagonist chasing the word "slow," and though I imagine that means writers block, stuck on literary pieces, etc...
Some words you have choses to ryhm are more on the "basic" side, which is no mean a bad thing if the artist knows how to execute it well. It didn't post much of a problem, so props for that. The edited poem you have posted is, I can say without doubt, better (sorry former poem!) It's shorter and the words we see are the foundation. It's more simple. And that brings me to the point of the simplicity of your poem.
This can be read by an audience of most ages, and that's awesome. The vocabulary isn't too over-the-top, allowing for people to understand your poem whole still being satisfied vocabulary wise.
A complaint I do have is the line with the birds flapping away. Although metaphors can be seen as abstract and random, I feel like this metaphor doesn't go well with the poem as a whole. I'll leave you to decide whether or not to keep it.
Overall a great poem, I hope you write more in the future!
Smooth is my tongue,
Sharper are my teeth