07-06-2017, 12:30 AM
thank you all so much. and Billy, what you just did there is brilliant. i didn't realize. i'm sorry.
the relationship we had was strange and seemed like love/hate sometimes, but the problem for me is that i loved him more than he realized and would tell him on occassion yet he only ever told me he loved me once, and i think even that was forced at the time. i don't know why he did that. now it's too late and i can never find out why he was reluctant to tell me that. what makes it worse is that a while back when we were hanging around together i heard him talking with his girlfriend while i was out of the room. i didn't hear what she said to him, but i heard him reply "i hate him". i confronted him a few times about it some time after and just outright asked him why he hated me but he'd always just shake his head in annoyance or say something like "don't you know?" implying i'd done something i don't even realize. he wouldn't give me an answer. i don't know if he meant he did love me deep down really, or if he thought i was just too stupid to know what i've done to upset him. when i said:
"He was one and she was two
I'm surprised I made it through
I was three or so I thought
But now I see your truth I bought"
i know its poorly worded, but him being one and her being two is him and his girlfriend. one and two, a pair. i've always thought of myself as weak in comparison to my brother so "i'm surprised i made it through" was meant to mean i was surprised i managed to get through life and try to keep up with him. i thought i was like the third wheel in their relationship in a good way when we hung around together and he sort of confirmed that, making me think the three of us were a group. but it turns out he was lying and didn't really like having me around. he never directly said that to me but looking over everything that was said it's pretty obvious to me it's the truth. stuff like how he would tell me his friends liked me when in reality he was laughing at me with them behind my back. "but now i see your truth i bought" was supposed to express that. sometimes he'd purposely make me feel like a fool in front of others and in a way where he knew i'd know he was doing it on purpose, not even really hiding it from me, but every now and then he would do something really meaningful for me, like stick up for me against his friends or give me encouragement when i was feeling really shitty. i loved him so much for that but its too bittersweet for me to handle sometimes. it fucking hurts.
i'd like to explain every verse but i don't know if people would want that since i've made it probably too personal. i see now that it's hard for a third party to decipher what i'm talking about. like i said, i made it too personal.
i intend to rework this whole thing and take on board everything you folks have said, thank you so much for the advice. i don't know if i'll be able to post it once i'm finished though because it actually exhausts me with how much it upsets me. i've been advised by a great user here to just keep everything i do and keep going back to it, and i absolutely will. i think it'll take some time before i feel up to reposting a better version though because i can't help feeling like i'm trivializing the whole thing by reworking and reposting it all the time. i don't want to desensitize myself to it but at the same time it's way too painful for me and makes me wish i couldn't feel anything. double-edged sword. in all honesty though if i'm to stay here without him and there is no afterlife then i choose to feel that pain for him. if i did become desensitized i wouldn't be able to live with myself.
sorry for being so sad. thank you all.
the relationship we had was strange and seemed like love/hate sometimes, but the problem for me is that i loved him more than he realized and would tell him on occassion yet he only ever told me he loved me once, and i think even that was forced at the time. i don't know why he did that. now it's too late and i can never find out why he was reluctant to tell me that. what makes it worse is that a while back when we were hanging around together i heard him talking with his girlfriend while i was out of the room. i didn't hear what she said to him, but i heard him reply "i hate him". i confronted him a few times about it some time after and just outright asked him why he hated me but he'd always just shake his head in annoyance or say something like "don't you know?" implying i'd done something i don't even realize. he wouldn't give me an answer. i don't know if he meant he did love me deep down really, or if he thought i was just too stupid to know what i've done to upset him. when i said:
"He was one and she was two
I'm surprised I made it through
I was three or so I thought
But now I see your truth I bought"
i know its poorly worded, but him being one and her being two is him and his girlfriend. one and two, a pair. i've always thought of myself as weak in comparison to my brother so "i'm surprised i made it through" was meant to mean i was surprised i managed to get through life and try to keep up with him. i thought i was like the third wheel in their relationship in a good way when we hung around together and he sort of confirmed that, making me think the three of us were a group. but it turns out he was lying and didn't really like having me around. he never directly said that to me but looking over everything that was said it's pretty obvious to me it's the truth. stuff like how he would tell me his friends liked me when in reality he was laughing at me with them behind my back. "but now i see your truth i bought" was supposed to express that. sometimes he'd purposely make me feel like a fool in front of others and in a way where he knew i'd know he was doing it on purpose, not even really hiding it from me, but every now and then he would do something really meaningful for me, like stick up for me against his friends or give me encouragement when i was feeling really shitty. i loved him so much for that but its too bittersweet for me to handle sometimes. it fucking hurts.
i'd like to explain every verse but i don't know if people would want that since i've made it probably too personal. i see now that it's hard for a third party to decipher what i'm talking about. like i said, i made it too personal.
(07-05-2017, 04:40 AM)vagabond Wrote: Let it go, its long decayedthanks for that. that part is what rips me up the most. it fucking destroys me. i was such a cunt.
It may as well have been an age
We will never meet again
We will never meet again --------this is the most emotional line in the poem to me
i intend to rework this whole thing and take on board everything you folks have said, thank you so much for the advice. i don't know if i'll be able to post it once i'm finished though because it actually exhausts me with how much it upsets me. i've been advised by a great user here to just keep everything i do and keep going back to it, and i absolutely will. i think it'll take some time before i feel up to reposting a better version though because i can't help feeling like i'm trivializing the whole thing by reworking and reposting it all the time. i don't want to desensitize myself to it but at the same time it's way too painful for me and makes me wish i couldn't feel anything. double-edged sword. in all honesty though if i'm to stay here without him and there is no afterlife then i choose to feel that pain for him. if i did become desensitized i wouldn't be able to live with myself.
sorry for being so sad. thank you all.