Brothers

[Leanne]

Jase, this is Basic Critique so I'm going to go easy on you.  Your feelings are raw and it's hard to put something like this out there for critique, but you have, so here we go:

Those that know will never tell -- consider using "who" instead of "that"
Those that know choose not to dwell
All but me who sits alone
Dreaming of a lie called home -- you set up a good meter but there is always a risk that rhyming couplets will end up sounding trite or forced... we'll see as the poem progresses

He was one and she was two
I'm surprised I made it through
I was three or so I thought
But now I see your truth I bought -- this is not a strong line and it's clear you've selected the words just for rhyme. Remember, at all times you are in charge of the poem, not the other way around.  Rhyme should not dictate word choice.

I fucked it up, a bitter low
But I will never let this go
No one will ever understand
I lost a brother in this land -- though I understand this is how you feel, this stanza is very "tell-y".  There are ways to show how you feel without saying it outright -- you could actually remove this stanza and it would not harm the poem.

I tried to learn what I was taught
I tried to see what you had brought
To try take on what you had thought
But you know me, the idiot sort -- the four lines of the same rhyme do speed the poem up and assist with building tension -- however, they don't say a lot

Many things were said and done
But you made a world for me, for fun
A world of lies, just for me
Now I finally see -- you've lost the meter here -- was this deliberate?

You don't care, I know this now
The fact your eyes are dry is how
I know that you don't really care
About the things we did and aired

But even then its all a lie -- *it's
I fucking hate the fact I cry
Over you and her and why
Do I feel bad for times gone by

Some things I said to one and two
I regret, I really do -- you could try "I still regret", for meter's sake
I hate myself for those mistakes
I just wish that they weren't all fakes

I know you lied, but I don't care
you think I do, but don't you dare
don't hurt yourself for things you did
the boy I knew when I was a kid

You said I wouldn't take my life
Well just for you I'll live in strife
You made it seem like love, I see
But you know its just the coward in me -- this line is long and awkward

I love you so much and cannot find
The words to tell you how out of my mind
I feel right now, slipping down
Slipping down, slipping down

I love you brother, I know that's true
I know it now, I've thought it through
I always have, I always will
Please know that. I always will

Now memories all that's left behind
No trace of you but what I find
Within my head, my fucked up mind
I am so sorry that I was blind

I know you hate me though, I know
I don't know if its what I show
I don't know if its what I know
Just tell me why you hate me so

But that is it, its all she wrote
Its already gone, its already smoke
Nothing but obsession over past
Trying to make that beautiful thing last

Let it go, its long decayed
It may as well have been an age
We will never meet again
We will never meet again

No, there is always time
A twist of fate, a marked line
When we could meet again, at last
But we won't. It is the past

It kills me we left on such bad terms
No way to fix that now, it burns
Wishing for my sibling's return
A wish that never will be, I learn

So, alone, I lie in bed
Thinking things inside my head
Thinking things inside my head
Yes, alone, I lie in bed

I'm given support, advice to sow
But how could they really ever know
About the pain I feel each day
Please just make it go away

I cannot do it justice, see
Just thank your stars you are not me
Trust me, brother, sister, please
This torture has me on my knees

I lost a brother to this land
You really do not understand
I lost a brother by my hand
It hurts so much. Please understand
But you can't, you'll never see
I lost my brother. Please help me

Nobody will ever know
Nobody will ever care
Nobody will ever see
How pointless this life can be

Most of the suggestions I've made I could have repeated a number of times -- so just consider them as one, and be aware that when you set up a meter it's best to stick with it for the whole poem unless you're shifting it deliberately to change pace or mood. I'm not sure that's the case here -- if it is, you haven't quite managed it.  If you're not sure how to use meter, there are a number of practice threads on the site.

These are the hardest poems to write, expunging guilt while expressing grief.  Both of those emotions come through clearly in the poem but I'm left wanting at least one solid, concrete image to hold onto.  I don't feel that the poem allows me to know you, or your brother, as it is largely filled with abstractions and outright telling the emotions rather than showing them.  One descriptive memory instead of hints will allow us to feel empathy and connect with your poem in a meaningful way -- we're not in your head, and we all have our own tragedies, so we know that they're all very different.  You want to do justice to your brother's memory and this is the place to learn how to do that, if you can bear the criticism -- which is of your poem, not of you or your love for your brother.  

I hope this reaction is a one-off.  You've shown through your critiques of other poems that you are capable of analysing from a distance -- it's harder when you're this close to what you're writing about, but it's not impossible.  Good luck.