Brothers

[Jase]

now to the poem. in a nutshell it reads as a very weak poem. lines like
"I lost a brother to this land
You really do not understand
I lost a brother by my hand
It hurts so much. Please understand
But you can't, you'll never see
I lost my brother. Please help me"

take 6 lines to say what can be said in one or two, the rhymes feel forced and more than a little weak

really? i don't believe occam's razor always applies. not everything should be said with just the shortest amount of words. sometimes repetition is necessary, and i thought it was for this to emphasize the fact i will never see my brother again, and it fucking hurts and gets worse. so do you really think it would have been better just to use two lines? why is repetition forbidden? and who makes these rules about how many lines it takes to explain something? i thought poetry was supposed to be flexible.

in general you need to cut any wasted or repeated lines away, you need to use some original similes/metaphors and to really think about the end rhymes you use. especially after the intro,  {sorry for saying this} i want to feel your pain and emotional upheaval. at present i see, feel to little of it.

then i guess this isn't for me. i know i asked for feedback and everything but i wasnt really prepared for someone to just call it outright 'weak', so thanks for that. and honestly, i'm being truthful here, i knew i was repeating certain aspects and did it on purpose for the reasons i already stated. it wasnt forced man, i did it on purpose. obviously that must be the 'wrong' thing to do in poetry. i don't know who the fuck makes these rules but yeah, okay. sorry but i don't like using overly-flowery prose because it seems 'over the top' and actually makes it feel less emotional for me. maybe if i quoted fucking shakespeare i'd get a better reaction, but my brother never had time for any of that shit.

whatever. thanks for the fucking feedback about my shitty poem. i won't bother again. sorry bro.