Brothers

[billy]

while the intro makes me feel as sorry for you as it would for anyone who's lost a love one, it doesn't help the poem much. most of the readers attention becomes focused first on the intro.

now to the poem. in a nutshell it reads as a very weak poem. lines like;

"I lost a brother to this land
You really do not understand
I lost a brother by my hand
It hurts so much. Please understand
But you can't, you'll never see
I lost my brother. Please help me"

take 6 lines to say what can be said in one or two, the rhymes feel forced and more than a little weak

in general you need to cut any wasted or repeated lines away, you need to use some original similes/metaphors and to really think about the end rhymes you use. especially after the intro, {sorry for saying this} i want to feel your pain and emotional upheaval. at present i see, feel to little of it.

this is a little personal but i lost my older brother a while back and over time i've found myself obsessing and becoming so self-absorbed about times when we were together, beating myself up about what a dick i was to him at times. i just can't get over the fact i will never be able to talk with him again. to try and quell that horrible feeling i tried writing something for him, but it was really hard trying to put down everything and make it work. i'm just telling you this for context and i would still appreciate feedback. thank you.

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Those that know will never tell
Those that know choose not to dwell
All but me who sits alone
Dreaming of a lie called home

He was one and she was two
I'm surprised I made it through
I was three or so I thought
But now I see your truth I bought

I fucked it up, a bitter low
But I will never let this go
No one will ever understand
I lost a brother in this land

I tried to learn what I was taught
I tried to see what you had brought
To try take on what you had thought
But you know me, the idiot sort

Many things were said and done
But you made a world for me, for fun
A world of lies, just for me
Now I finally see

You don't care, I know this now
The fact your eyes are dry is how
I know that you don't really care
About the things we did and aired

But even then its all a lie
I fucking hate the fact I cry
Over you and her and why
Do I feel bad for times gone by

Some things I said to one and two
I regret, I really do
I hate myself for those mistakes
I just wish that they weren't all fakes

I know you lied, but I don't care
you think I do, but don't you dare
don't hurt yourself for things you did
the boy I knew when I was a kid

You said I wouldn't take my life
Well just for you I'll live in strife
You made it seem like love, I see
But you know its just the coward in me

I love you so much and cannot find
The words to tell you how out of my mind
I feel right now, slipping down
Slipping down, slipping down

I love you brother, I know that's true
I know it now, I've thought it through
I always have, I always will
Please know that. I always will

Now memories all that's left behind
No trace of you but what I find
Within my head, my fucked up mind
I am so sorry that I was blind

I know you hate me though, I know
I don't know if its what I show
I don't know if its what I know
Just tell me why you hate me so

But that is it, its all she wrote
Its already gone, its already smoke
Nothing but obsession over past
Trying to make that beautiful thing last

Let it go, its long decayed
It may as well have been an age
We will never meet again
We will never meet again

No, there is always time
A twist of fate, a marked line
When we could meet again, at last
But we won't. It is the past

It kills me we left on such bad terms
No way to fix that now, it burns
Wishing for my sibling's return
A wish that never will be, I learn

So, alone, I lie in bed
Thinking things inside my head
Thinking things inside my head
Yes, alone, I lie in bed

I'm given support, advice to sow
But how could they really ever know
About the pain I feel each day
Please just make it go away

I cannot do it justice, see
Just thank your stars you are not me
Trust me, brother, sister, please
This torture has me on my knees

I lost a brother to this land
You really do not understand
I lost a brother by my hand
It hurts so much. Please understand
But you can't, you'll never see
I lost my brother. Please help me

Nobody will ever know
Nobody will ever care
Nobody will ever see
How pointless this life can be