I am with “slow”

[billy]

just two points though there are more. watch out for bad syntax, you have a fair bit in the poem; on the page they would stay. is but one example. secondly; end rhymes do them so they work or leave the buggers out try not to repeat end rhymes unless it adds to the poem via a refrain or some other device. if you do rhyme try and make them feel natural and not forced. the story is there it just lacks imagery, use a few similes/ metaphors