Eleutheromania

[ellajam]

Hi, Flowerchild. Despair is as hard as love for a topic to be original with. I feel the poem stretching for originally but the combination of excessive similes/metaphors and walking the edges of cliches isn't working for me. Some notes below:

Waves cascade, blurring into a sea of purple that surrounds me like a tomb.
A bed full of glitter before my eyes sends my mind into another galaxy, worlds away, my heart's escape.If you give me only "waves" and "sea" in the opening I think ocean, floating, drowning. I can't get the "purple" The only thing I can make of "a bed of glitter" is the sun on the water, but in the next line it's raining. Maybe you can condense this into a solid image.


Precipitation greets my skin like an old friend.
Paint chips are memories that float away like dust on the wind.
I am lost on the paint chips, "dust on the wind" is cliche.

Harsh words pour into my ears like sand through an hourglass;
filling my head as time dwindles away.
"sands through an hourglass" is cliche, though you might be able to work with the idea and image in a unique way.


I am as no one passing through to a reservation for pushing daisies.

Time stretches on for days like a runaway train.
Regrets consume me like yesterday's scraps;
a thick cloud of angst enters my lungs as they beg for release.

Fear intercepts rationality and it envelopes me inside of itself like a letter to someone long forgotten.
Familiarity is like a stranger to me as all I have known is a shadow of who I have become.

The burden weighs heavy on my soul as I hear a forlorn melody whispered into my lips;

"Come out and play," coax the ghosts of my past.

My insecurities faltering, whisking me away into another life.
On the other side of the sheets I am as I was, once.

My heart gives way to despair.

Did I really know all along?

I'll stop there, you get the idea. Welcome to the Pen.

Oh, and hit edit on your post to correct the formatting if it's not intentional.