06-21-2017, 10:34 AM
Hi, 67eager
I think I may have critiqued this poem wrongly or rudely, I am not sure, now I've forgotten...but I apologize and will try again. I want to see where it's at by reading it at its face value and not incorporating my own inuendos and thoughts of metaphor. Here goes:
THAT WAVE OF SILENCE the title implies that moment in time when silence is awkward, maybe even funny
So we hid ourselves in a bush.
There's no way I'll be driving.
Have you seen the size of that tush?
I was held in by Dr. Bloom. At first I didn't realize these were a compilation of random remarks by many persons in a room.
Across the crescent shaped room,
Early exchanges are thriving.
With only the rays of dawn cast upon it,
Everything the room holds becomes more clear:
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime, floating particles of dust
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit, not sure if this is odor or stains
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beer this is one place where I get messed up
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items.
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonnet clever, females
They all look ahead and they all lack fear,
Bearing only a fraction more time.
Minute by minute the room lightens. how does the room lighten?
But with a steady crank of the door handle, steady
The goose bump wind which its opening brought does that mean the wind was scary?
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looks
A day away from blowing sixty candles. this was funny to me
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught, caught at what? speaking their hearts?
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles. this is where I get confused, the man who walked in dandles...but then I get messed up
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought.
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks. hold back punches?
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence.
I want to say the poem is an observation poem about people in a waiting room and they are acting like their true goofy selves and someone serious walks in the room and a few feel uncomfortable about his seriousness so they fidget, clear throats, or whatever but then the serious person leaves because they somehow feel threatened by men who want to punch him?
Certainly made me think. thank you for the read, 67eager.
I hope your morning is bright & wonderful. janine
I think I may have critiqued this poem wrongly or rudely, I am not sure, now I've forgotten...but I apologize and will try again. I want to see where it's at by reading it at its face value and not incorporating my own inuendos and thoughts of metaphor. Here goes:
THAT WAVE OF SILENCE the title implies that moment in time when silence is awkward, maybe even funny
So we hid ourselves in a bush.
There's no way I'll be driving.
Have you seen the size of that tush?
I was held in by Dr. Bloom. At first I didn't realize these were a compilation of random remarks by many persons in a room.
Across the crescent shaped room,
Early exchanges are thriving.
With only the rays of dawn cast upon it,
Everything the room holds becomes more clear:
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime, floating particles of dust
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit, not sure if this is odor or stains
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beer this is one place where I get messed up
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items.
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonnet clever, females
They all look ahead and they all lack fear,
Bearing only a fraction more time.
Minute by minute the room lightens. how does the room lighten?
But with a steady crank of the door handle, steady
The goose bump wind which its opening brought does that mean the wind was scary?
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looks
A day away from blowing sixty candles. this was funny to me
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught, caught at what? speaking their hearts?
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles. this is where I get confused, the man who walked in dandles...but then I get messed up
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought.
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks. hold back punches?
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence.
I want to say the poem is an observation poem about people in a waiting room and they are acting like their true goofy selves and someone serious walks in the room and a few feel uncomfortable about his seriousness so they fidget, clear throats, or whatever but then the serious person leaves because they somehow feel threatened by men who want to punch him?
Certainly made me think. thank you for the read, 67eager.
I hope your morning is bright & wonderful. janine
there's always a better reason to love