Jinni

[tectak]

Hello Lizzie, you posted this in intensive so you obviously want some input. I have not read the other crits comments so forgive me if I repeat.
First off I am troubled by "form". Abandoning all rules is becoming quite the norm but it really does beg a few questions...like what is it if you give me no clues? It does not rhyme (it does  not have to); it has no metre (it does not have to); it follows no overall "pattern" (why should it?); it shows no consistency of line length or syllable count ( it is not supposed to). Right, so what you have written is a whole bunch of words which may or may not express some burning point with which the piece justifies its existence....so it had best be a bloody strong point or what is left? You see, one of the reasons we call this a poetry site is because there is "poetry" in, or on, it. Forgive me, but I cannot see any poetry in this piece...perhaps someone can tell me what makes it poetic, and by that I don't want anyone to try to define "poetry"...just tell me which bits are "poetic". A line by line will probably help me more than you so here goes.





The Jinni asks: how do you wish the very first line and there is a problem...or two. By phrasing, you imply that theJunni ASKS. That requires a narrative follow up. So" The Jinni asks, "How do you wish to die?"" Stop. Period by question mark. Now, who says  "It's (?) the gift of choice and knowledge, release from thickening suspense." ? Because you have not given the narrative limits, we shall never know. Nor do I know what (it's) is referring to. There is nothing in the preceeding phrase that requires descriptive input. How do you wish to die? Well, let me think, now. Hmm...hanging? No...poisoning...naw, not for me....hows about a horse fall? Wait...wait...I have (it)! It's the gift of choice and knowledge, release from the thickening suspense...yep, that's how I wish to die.....Huh...??
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge,
release from the thickening suspense. In a vague and subliminally surreal way, I can almost, but not quite, understand what someone is trying to say, here. I just know that I could re-write the last line so that readers would not need to winkle out that  the death moment refers....at least I hope that is what you mean. The PROBLEM is the unassociated "it's".I assume you wanted to avoid the repetition of "death"...as in "Death is a gift, wrapped in choice and knowledge, tied with a thick ribbon of suspense" Oh, bugger. I've re-written the line poetically. Sorry.

Do you want to die quick Quickly. There are only two states...the quick and the dead. If you are dead you are not quick...and vice-versa. Word use problem
like the lightning-crack of dynamite
or asteroid impact? Very bad form. How, in any reasonable polemic, is a death died quickly LIKE a crack of dynamite or an asteroid impact. You must ascertain which parameter of these two occurrences you are bringing in to your metaphor. This is classic "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana" stuff. What you (or someone) is meaning to say is " Do you want to die as quickly as dynamite detonates, or an asteroid hurtles in to the earth?" In other words, you are metaphorically mixing up death, with speed of death.
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection—
maybe heart attack or Anthrax? You are grasping around here, searching for a  for a demise or two that you can be reasonably sure leaves a body essentially intact and undamaged. Believe me, neither Anthrax nor a heart attack would do it....both cause serious damage. To be honest, this is not a fruitful line to pursue IMO 
Do you want the fame you didn't have What kind of bloody Jinni is this? Guiness Book of records, going viral? I feel that this is hopelessly reverse-anachronistic.Credibility issues
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral?

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness, Hmmmm...punctuation is a little flaky, here. "Do you want your death to dress your story in white?" Fine, can relate. Now how do you get out of "bookends of goodness......cloaking"? OK . Let's try again. "Do you want your death to dress you in white bookends  of goodness?", Huh? Nope...sure beats the shit outta me.
cloaking your putrid life
in fragrant funeral sheets? I rather like the thought of fragrant funeral sheet. I am surprised you didn't suggest a washing powder that could impart such an odiferous characteristic...Eau de Mort? Seriously, though, there is a sense that this is running out of steam. Even the "putrid" word, though highly emotive, is not getting through to me on a poetic level. It stands out like a lit candle on a slag heap.
The Jinni can grant you absolution:
save a Hybrid full of babies I have no idea what this means BUT with the history of this piece being what it is I can guess that you refer to a modern gas/electric vehicle...er, full of babies. What relevance to the poem, the vehicular mode, I cannot begin to see. You may as well have written "Save a 1982 Ford Capri with Mag alloy-wheels and white leather interior full of babies"(?)...
from a Humvee full of pedophiles
with twisted, pointy mustaches
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease. Where the hell is this going to (rapidly, in a hand cart)? How did we get here? Is this the same poem?

The Jinni is an ifrit— No. A (the) Jinni is not an Ifrit and notwithstanding the whole mythical/Arab/ underworld rubbish, just saying something is so does not make it so. If you want to write about mythology, please stick to the facts....harrrruuummmph. (joke)
it can make things happen.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides
whether dying must always result in death. These last two stanzas are the whole "poem". Get rid of the rest.

 Well, lizzie, that's my take.  I didn't like it but that's not the point. There are serious issues with the piece which almost certainly indicate that you think thoughts faster than you can turn them in to poetry. As a result, you make wild lunges in to the work instead of measured treads. The last two stanzas are the giveaway. Here is where the real thinking began and ended...nothing wrong with short-form. If you feel that I am unfair in my crit then give a thought to putting the last two stanzas first, following through with the same form in the next stanzas, and write in a constant chronology. I apologise in advance if I have missed seeing the elephant in the room....but if you mix myth with modernity you are bound to dilute your support
Best,
 tectak