06-17-2017, 04:37 PM
Honestly the only thing about this I would change is the word "like" to "even."
I think the rant-like flurry of negative adjectives at the beginning and the parallel questions that follow it make the ending a great fakeout. It makes the poem seem more honest, like you're admitting kids can be annoying but that ultimately you love them anyway. And I like that the lines in each stanza respond in order to the questions and topics addressed in the previous one, so I don't think you need to condense it; it's already economical and what length is there is there for a reason. The way the last sentence is long and flowing after the choppy sequences above it really works for me.
I'm tempted to say you should cut the ending down to "Now they're here letting me know..." but I think you wanted to finally use the word "hands" and that you wanted to reveal what the hands were touching the way you revealed where the hands were after asking those questions in the previous part. Maybe you could change it to "Now your hands are here rubbing my face, letting..."?
The way the phrase "your hands" enters the sentence makes it sound like a reveal, but in using a pronoun earlier in the sentence it's like you've already assumed the reader knows what you're talking about, so it does sound a little awkward reading it.
I think the rant-like flurry of negative adjectives at the beginning and the parallel questions that follow it make the ending a great fakeout. It makes the poem seem more honest, like you're admitting kids can be annoying but that ultimately you love them anyway. And I like that the lines in each stanza respond in order to the questions and topics addressed in the previous one, so I don't think you need to condense it; it's already economical and what length is there is there for a reason. The way the last sentence is long and flowing after the choppy sequences above it really works for me.
I'm tempted to say you should cut the ending down to "Now they're here letting me know..." but I think you wanted to finally use the word "hands" and that you wanted to reveal what the hands were touching the way you revealed where the hands were after asking those questions in the previous part. Maybe you could change it to "Now your hands are here rubbing my face, letting..."?
The way the phrase "your hands" enters the sentence makes it sound like a reveal, but in using a pronoun earlier in the sentence it's like you've already assumed the reader knows what you're talking about, so it does sound a little awkward reading it.