06-11-2017, 09:34 PM
Thanks, everyone for the replies!
Been thinking about this one and how to improve it. And I am tempted to leave it be.
It's not that it's perfect; it's just that I don't know how to make it better.
I thought about Richard's comments on the short lines / long lines and was toying with going with long lines.
Then, since our Spirit is contrary, I was thinking of going with a mixture of both. But ... that struck me as hokey.
SPOILERS (for those who have not commented yet)
The 2 key lines that I'd do something with if I could are:
(1) "tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose" ~ when I say this out loud, I have a hard time getting out all of the syllables to "Pinocchio"
(2) "with him had died" ~ I want this to ambiguous. Did his "Consistency, veracity" within him die while he still lived?
or....did it die when he did? I played around with other words replacing "with" and then gave up.
Any suggestions welcome!
Been thinking about this one and how to improve it. And I am tempted to leave it be.
It's not that it's perfect; it's just that I don't know how to make it better.
I thought about Richard's comments on the short lines / long lines and was toying with going with long lines.
Then, since our Spirit is contrary, I was thinking of going with a mixture of both. But ... that struck me as hokey.
SPOILERS (for those who have not commented yet)
The 2 key lines that I'd do something with if I could are:
(1) "tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose" ~ when I say this out loud, I have a hard time getting out all of the syllables to "Pinocchio"
(2) "with him had died" ~ I want this to ambiguous. Did his "Consistency, veracity" within him die while he still lived?
or....did it die when he did? I played around with other words replacing "with" and then gave up.
Any suggestions welcome!
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