06-10-2017, 12:46 AM
A long read, but definitely worth it. Here's a couple things that i noticed during my first read:
Good Punctuation i would add a comma after "you" in this sentence
"You found a guy who liked you, too"
Months later, after calling your disconnected phone 100 times - Maybe write the number out? "A hundred.."
I finally figure out a way to contact you, through a mutual friend of mine - She knows what mutual friend it is, so instead of 'a', i'd go for 'that'
Held the phone close and filled our ears with light - Not sure how you can fill ears with light, perhaps you meant delight?
Discussing at what temperature our hearts would melt together - connects greatly with the previous mentioned rekindled flame in the coals
Even though the poem is quite large, i think that it accurately adds to the gestalt of enduring a long and painful heartbreak. I hope your poem isn't written from a personal experience!
Good Punctuation i would add a comma after "you" in this sentence
"You found a guy who liked you, too"
Months later, after calling your disconnected phone 100 times - Maybe write the number out? "A hundred.."
I finally figure out a way to contact you, through a mutual friend of mine - She knows what mutual friend it is, so instead of 'a', i'd go for 'that'
Held the phone close and filled our ears with light - Not sure how you can fill ears with light, perhaps you meant delight?
Discussing at what temperature our hearts would melt together - connects greatly with the previous mentioned rekindled flame in the coals
Even though the poem is quite large, i think that it accurately adds to the gestalt of enduring a long and painful heartbreak. I hope your poem isn't written from a personal experience!