06-02-2017, 07:34 AM
I like this. I think you can do more with it: you could add more details of the bus ride that remind the speaker of earlier times, maybe other sights, sounds, smells and pair them back to the person or the place. That would help to build the characters and establish a sense of place.
I don't think the repetition in the last two lines is effective because it's doesn't bring in any new elements. You could get away with it if the poem was longer, if the reader had sufficient time to forget and then be reminded.
To me, you have a good start here. It's an early draft IMO.
Cheers,
Lizzie
I don't think the repetition in the last two lines is effective because it's doesn't bring in any new elements. You could get away with it if the poem was longer, if the reader had sufficient time to forget and then be reminded.
To me, you have a good start here. It's an early draft IMO.
Cheers,
Lizzie