Fourth Edit: The Loneliest Feeling

[Lizzie]

Hello Richard. A couple of thoughts for you.

Third Edit:

The Loneliest Feeling

I feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent. -- So...right off the bat, I have to call B.S. on this one. I don't know what that feels like, to be a refugee in a tent, and I don't know if the speaker does either. You need to prove to me, the reader, that you understand what that feels like, otherwise it smacks of inauthenticity. Some image, metaphor, simile that shows me what that feels like. Otherwise, the statement leads me nowhere. It's like saying, "I feel like a grizzly bear," and then just leaving it there, hanging.

Behind my eyes,
fear, rage and self-loathing.
When i ask myself why, -- is there a reason this 'i' is in lower case?
the only answer is nowhere.

I look desperately towards -- if you choose a stronger verb than "look" you can eliminate the adverb "desperately" -- often, the impulse to qualify with an adverb is a sign that the verb is inadequate. A strong verb will stand on it's own 99% of the time.
a future that is measured numerically
by those who kiss their wives before bed,
tell their children
the world is fair, -- nice
and refuse
to look me in my eyes.

The dream ends.

I lie next to my wife,
my child safely sleeps in the next room;
my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity.

I want to like this one, but I don't think it's there yet. It's because I'm not connecting with the first line. Once I understand how that feels, the rest will fall into place, I believe.

Hope something here is helpful.

Best,

Lizzie