Fourth Edit: The Loneliest Feeling
#8
(04-30-2017, 11:45 AM)Richard Wrote:  Third Edit:

The Loneliest Feeling

I feel
like a hungry refugee in a tent.

Behind my eyes,
fear, rage and self-loathing.
When i ask myself why,
the only answer is
nowhereI continue to find this line opaque:  is the answer hidden, absent, missing, invisible... ?

I look desperately towards Perhaps "toward" instead of "towards," a bit more formality could be in keeping
a future that is measured numerically Have a little trouble now with "measured" - see what it's saying, but would another word be better, saying that it's doled out, issued, decided, cut off like short lengths of sausage... "assigned," maybe?
by those who kiss their wives before bed,
tell their children
the world is fair,
and refuse Thinking now this line break may be unnecessary or counterproductive
to look me in my eyes.

The dream ends.


I lie next to my wife,
my child safely sleeps in the next room;
my empathy
denied entry based on ethnicity.
  Only a thought - could "based on" be replaced by "for my" since it's first person?
Punctuation improves the reading, IMHO, and the poem has improved through the edits.  The above are suggestions only (well, "toward" is a bit of a nudge, but the others are suggestions).

Good read, getting better.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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Messages In This Thread
Fourth Edit: The Loneliest Feeling - by Richard - 04-30-2017, 11:45 AM
RE: the loneliest feeling - by dukealien - 04-30-2017, 12:56 PM
RE: the loneliest feeling - by Richard - 04-30-2017, 01:53 PM
RE: First Edit: the loneliest feeling - by nibbed - 05-03-2017, 02:55 AM
RE: Second Edit: the loneliest feeling - by dukealien - 05-21-2017, 07:00 AM
RE: Second Edit: the loneliest feeling - by billy - 05-21-2017, 11:54 AM



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