a sound (revision 2)

[LunaDeLore]

revision 2:

crumpled papers skip

scatter and fly

-----------------------------------

crumpled paper
skipping ~
away

revision 1:

crumpled papers skip astray

and scatter like kites



original:

crumpled papers skip astray

and scatter like leaves

burrealist,

I've read all three versions of the work and the second revision is my least favorite. But it is fun to read in a fret line sense. The big problem I had reading the first revision rests on imagery. It's hard to imagine kites scattering as they typically take flight in the wind or get tangled in grandma's oak tree.

I think it would read better if you went with something more along these lines;

crumpled papers skip astray
and scatter across the boulevard....

I hope I've helped.

Luna