05-08-2017, 08:32 PM
Your poem is a very fun and unique read. You seem to have cleverly divided the poem into three sections: The first is where you describe your psychology, aka 'there are some things...', the second part consists of you describing the dancer, and the third completely contrasts the description, with a dismissal of her all important soul. The deliberately horrible sounding 'stupid' places a lot of emphasis on the distaste, and also ties really well with the first section of the poem ie 'far more things I won't'. But there are definately some improvements that you could make to the poem:
Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor--------------> Instead of 'on a', I believe 'of the' would make the title seem a lot more epic, and similar to all the other great poems who have 'rhyme as a title.
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;---------> Full stop would make the above statement appear more definate.
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t.
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;-------> This should be a new stanza, Right up until 'all the way, slow'. I think the spelling of 'cert'nly is actually quite effective. It sound like the accent of a seedy cockney.
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,---------->nice alliteration here
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress--------> Perhaps a more original similie could be employed?
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress.-----> 'Wrestle' sounds both awkward and ambiguous
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind-------> Again, I would turn this into a stanza of its own.
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid.
Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor--------------> Instead of 'on a', I believe 'of the' would make the title seem a lot more epic, and similar to all the other great poems who have 'rhyme as a title.
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;---------> Full stop would make the above statement appear more definate.
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t.
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;-------> This should be a new stanza, Right up until 'all the way, slow'. I think the spelling of 'cert'nly is actually quite effective. It sound like the accent of a seedy cockney.
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,---------->nice alliteration here
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress--------> Perhaps a more original similie could be employed?
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress.-----> 'Wrestle' sounds both awkward and ambiguous
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind-------> Again, I would turn this into a stanza of its own.
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid.