05-08-2017, 03:34 AM
Hi, I want to give it my all and really critique
but sadly I have been deranged today, sorry.
< joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross -crucified with Christ, or is this metaphor
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws - use of the word galvanized I find clever
and that cordless drill - no and
you gave me for christmas
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better
today -today used here was neat
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth -bruxism or worst yet, anger, like the things they did to the martyr (comes to mind)
made me skip a track
on my next belief
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me - this is beautifully sad, actually
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags -last four lines especially shows
i don't know what's in them terrible loneliness
but whatever it is and desperation
is leaking out -thinking about how to clean up messes here
I had to limit my critique, can't give it a good line by line because the format behaves erratically when I try to get into it. Plus I am a bit deranged and I know you should have the best critique. Sorry. I feel like there's something missing in the poem, though. Even though it is long enough, I feel like the narrator is blocked for some reason or only a portion of a great story is being written. I liked the placement of the word "today". It could be used as the beginning or even an end. The narrator sounds disappointed and is retreating to doing something they don't like to do, it seems. I want to ask why is it in list form, why are there no stanzas, why a roman? why why why but certainly it must be because there must be things I cannot see.
The very best wishes to you, poet friend.
I hope your mood/writing does not indicate
what sort of day you are having. If so, I
hope things get brighter and happier for you.
all the best,
janine
but sadly I have been deranged today, sorry.
< joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross -crucified with Christ, or is this metaphor
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws - use of the word galvanized I find clever
and that cordless drill - no and
you gave me for christmas
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better
today -today used here was neat
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth -bruxism or worst yet, anger, like the things they did to the martyr (comes to mind)
made me skip a track
on my next belief
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me - this is beautifully sad, actually
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags -last four lines especially shows
i don't know what's in them terrible loneliness
but whatever it is and desperation
is leaking out -thinking about how to clean up messes here
I had to limit my critique, can't give it a good line by line because the format behaves erratically when I try to get into it. Plus I am a bit deranged and I know you should have the best critique. Sorry. I feel like there's something missing in the poem, though. Even though it is long enough, I feel like the narrator is blocked for some reason or only a portion of a great story is being written. I liked the placement of the word "today". It could be used as the beginning or even an end. The narrator sounds disappointed and is retreating to doing something they don't like to do, it seems. I want to ask why is it in list form, why are there no stanzas, why a roman? why why why but certainly it must be because there must be things I cannot see.
The very best wishes to you, poet friend.
I hope your mood/writing does not indicate
what sort of day you are having. If so, I
hope things get brighter and happier for you.
all the best,
janine
there's always a better reason to love