< joining jesus >

[RiverNotch]

for the first lines, somehow the jaunty feel of the imagery is not supported enough by the line breaks, which parse most of it phrase-by-phrase. l1 is strong, l2 rushes into detail in a manner that is appropriate to l1's punchiness, but then l3's specificity reads a little too on the nose, especially with its punch-emphasizing break (drill) coupled with the previous line's aforenoted specificity. consequently the rest of the poem suffers, the breaks which suddenly do serve a purpose still seeming deficient; as well as the interesting allusion to the centurion readig rather lost to me.
of note for me as well is the use of end rhyme. -ah rhymes from christmas to back may also add to the above problem; certainly also condition opinion, although that may also be because i have of late taken to abusing it. teeth and belief, though, is very interesting, showing a certain parallel that is weakened by the one immediately following, vitamin words, which is somewhat trite, motorized teeth proved very interesting.
and last to note is the end section, from i don't know what to leaking out, reading a little rough. the them takes too much to figure out, at first proving equal to both nights and bags, and i feel like it, since it is leaking, could be more based on images, or at least thoughts that don't depend too much on either pronouns or repetition of verbs. but truly, solid stuff.

                   


                                        < joining jesus >
                               
                                 i was joining jesus to his cross
                                 using galvanized 6 inch decking screws
                                 and that cordless drill
                                 you gave me for christmas
                                 when the phone rang
                                 and it was some roman
                                 wanting his sword back
                                 i'm sorry
                                 to hear about your condition
                                 maybe the second opinion
                                 will be better
                                 today
                                 was too warm for january
                                 it woke the squirrels
                                 and the neighbors
                                 gnawing with motorized teeth
                                 made me skip a track
                                 on my next belief
                                 or some vitamin
                                 or arrangement of words
                                 that could have fixed it all for me
                                 so i'll just go back
                                 to nights
                                 filled with black plastic bags
                                 i don't know what's in them
                                 but whatever it is
                                 is leaking out
                               
                                                - - -




While criticism is not required, it is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)