Make Doves No More

[shemthepenman]

Ten minutes to one
and the night, that’s still young, no comma after night
gets old by about half past three, period here
when I tell passers-by Then capital on When
—I'm not scared of the sky, Probably better no dash and quotation marks
but the sky should be fearful of me!

This is me liking it
Best,
tectak.

cheers.

i don't want to be an argumentative prick [not now, at least] but 'that's still young' is surely a non-defining relative clause and thus should be bracketed with commas.
also, a full stop after 'three'? i'm not sure. granted, i am not sure about the comma, either. a full stop would work after changing 'when' to 'then', but this slightly changes the sense of it. compare "the night gets old when i tell passers-by..." to "the night gets old. then, i tell passers-by..." possibly a semicolon. or, maybe i'll just change it to 'then', add the full stop, and everyone's happy.

i don't like quotation marks. i think they make poems look ugly.

oh, and this is me very much appreciating your suggestions.