Cold

[Josiah]

Hello Josiah, welcome to the site! As early poems go this has some good descriptive flourishes. I'll give you some specifics to consider as you revise.

I'm in the 10th grade, and I started writing poetry a few months ago. I'd never really written poetry before that. I wrote this one a few days ago after reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird.


Cold 

It was cold,--Your opening line should grab attention and draw the reader. This is very flat and static. It functions as a transitional setup for the quote below. Try starting with the quote and see if it doesn't improve things. 
And I thought: --again flat filler
“A wrinkly, haunted man lives in that--watch your line breaks on inconsequential words. Try breaking around theme or on more interesting words that give the lines a sense of layering. 
House. But not 
A feather that floated to rest on the fold. 
Then trampled, crushed and left it sat 
Alone, despised. A gust of wind 
Wears through its veins," but in that house— 
It was cold.--I like the progression from "A gust..." the wears through its veins is good phrasing. I'd rather you not tell me it was cold and let the title serve that purpose. Just a thought. 

Still I shiver. 
The iron fence 
Still groans in weathered rust and gives 
A lingered stench. 
The solemn, cold breezes of autumn all whisper:--a lot of modifiers here. I think cold is implied in the buildup and I'd probably cut it. This line has some potential--lovely even. 
“A wrinkly haunted menace lives 
In that house. Raindrops pecker--I've never heard pecker used in this way (British or American English), not sure it works.
Down through my roof, but in that house— 
Still I shiver.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

Thanks, that's a lot of great pointers! So I'm wondering, do you think I should clearly state the title inside the poem or leave it vague?