05-04-2017, 09:44 PM
Hey. What do I know? I like the jarring nature of the last line. Kinda whisks you right out of, uh, your daydreaming....
My main comments involve the word "far".
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t; <<< remove it and have just "Yet more things I won’t"?
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. <<< remove it and have just "Yet more things I don’t"?
.....
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind. <<< "I'd leave far behind"
somethin' like that. Just one person's thoughts....
Other than that, please listen to folks who know better about "inversion" (new term to me) but if you're going for it, maybe go for it completely with:
"Your derriere dainty I would passionately kiss" (switching the "d" words)
My main comments involve the word "far".
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t; <<< remove it and have just "Yet more things I won’t"?
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. <<< remove it and have just "Yet more things I don’t"?
.....
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind. <<< "I'd leave far behind"
somethin' like that. Just one person's thoughts....
Other than that, please listen to folks who know better about "inversion" (new term to me) but if you're going for it, maybe go for it completely with:
"Your derriere dainty I would passionately kiss" (switching the "d" words)