Falling …notes found in an open field whilst walking.edit 1.0001. nibb,rich

[tectak]

Hi tectak. I found the write a bit confusing if you were writing about parachuting, even if it was metaphor. Seems more like you have two or more things going on at once here, but I will try to pick it apart better. Here goes my critique. I hope it is helpful to ya.


I fall into a trance, a state,                                                    here's where I am confused are you parachuting or in a trance?
a heightened (higher?) sense of being,                                 choose heightened or higher
write broken words with broken pen                                     two brokens seems unimaginative
that quivers like a living thing.                                               quivers is not shivers, I see a leather pouch that holds arrows
Twice broken (bones?) Avoid word "thing".                          there's those arrows again, confused about bones, don't critique in your poem
The hum behind me comforts                                               okay this line stands alone, better yet eliminate the noise above
by its strength and disposition.                                              and use the last 6 lines as your entire first stanza
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,                                                       
there is no where to hide away.

It’s better when the sun is high (above?).                              Here's a good start to your poem on parachuting
“It” is unrelated. Define.                                                         You are pushing a subject matter others cannot comprehend.
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin?
When I land. When I land, no if.                                             Do jumpers really think this?
 
We shuffle (sternly?) back,                                                     parenthesis should only be used if you have something to add
we three who dare,                                                                suddenly two others enter the scene, clean this up
the door is bright with glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one stand, one step,
one fall and through.                                                               these are really good lines

Words are coming to me
faster than before,
I mean before 10,000 feet,                                                     this seems very immature and weird
not before this week.
I may delete that line.                                                              this stuff is junky
The light glows red,                                                                 okay these four technical lines about jumping, good
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge;                                               these next three lines don't fit
Is that normal?
White, I mean?
 
Damn this paper..won't lie still.                                                   confusion, disorder
Green light, he’s up, he’s gone.
A silhouette held for a moment.
Great god above, he did not drop;
did you see?
Did you see?

He seemed to jerk                                                                       save this entire stanza
off to the left (port?);                                                                  for another work
did you see?
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me.
 
Red light. Red light. Red light.                                                       
This pen is all I have to…
damn, green light, green light.
He’s gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him leap.                                                                  is it him or I?
Stand, step, gone.
Exit left.
(Cliché. Change it.)                                                                        more of this...
 
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse, 
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door.
Shuffle.
The hook drags.
Check the hook.
There is the door....
the wide open door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye.                                                                            I like the structure of the last stanza, but it doesn't help the chaotic read.
 
tectak
2017 


Okay, wow. I was bouncing around and feeling like a cartoon that has those tiny bubbles popping over my head or maybe even birds circling (not buzzards, more finches hahaha). I think you might have three poems here. One on writing and the thoughts of a poet, one on parachuting, and one on chaos all by itself, away from the other poems. It certainly conveys something and it is amusing. It even had some elements of the childhood game red light green light, though I don't really remember how that game was played because of a sudden onset of memory loss that has come over me. But it is all good. I am a bit disappointed more have not jumped in to help...seems you've been here for a time and must have some loyal comrades. Have a great day tectak, thank you for the smile. I hope your day is filled with happiness, peace and beauty.

Hi Nibbe,
Thank you for your read and comments.See my reply to rich for the spoiler.
Yep...I've been here for a long time...those who know me know I don't do obscure unless piss-taking. A bad habit.

Though I have knowledge a priori of the thinking when going up for a first jump...no metaphor...I have never jumped myself. Apart from the veracity of the note in a field, this is all fantasy and imagination...it is tinted, heavily, with how I imagine I might feel....take it from there.
Best,
tectakl