<title pending>

[tectak]

Hello Almo,
I have followed the development of this one with something akin to interest but in reality I was curious as to where it (you) were heading. Enough has probably been commented on already to give you some inkling of the problems within, so this is my attempt to offer up an encapsulating crit which may or may not help you to determine your destination....altruistic, I admit.
OK, first of all, you are bursting to say something. Good. What you are doing, though, is leaving the reader behind in you quest for complexity simplified. It is a common problem. Second, it matters not if you are writing a story, a poem, or lyrics....a title is a common courtesy to the reader. Get one....it will help you and I decide what the hell you are talking about
Line by line. There will be ouches along the way. It will hurt me more than you.

What inclines
What makes the brimming SpringLet's get something clear. If you are going to leave out punctuation, either because you do not know how to do it or through some misguided sense of style, let me tell you that most crits will assume you do not know how to do it. So punctuate to clarity.I have faith. Compounding the punctuation problem is the RANDOM capitalising of each line. Purposeless capitalising has gone,it is kaput, dated, outmoded, it is dead, deceased and unworthy of a poet who can "feel" his words...implication? Trying to be pretentiously poetic. Stop it. Howls from ancient purists....enough. You know I am right So, let's just start right. This is what you wrote:

What inclines What makes the brimming Spring brace the exposed so immaculate, so chaste as though as virginal but if a gaze is that of masculine power would you rather I came bare or covered.

It is balderdash. Why DOES a mouse when it spins? Why, because the higher they get, the fewer....and so is that....but this is POETRY, it is SUPPOSED to make sense in every sense. Are you really happy with that opening...er....sentence?
 
brace the exposed
So immaculate, so chaste
as though as virginal
But if a gaze is that of a masculine power
Would you rather I came bare or covered?


The aim is what you’re always bothered withThis is gramatically nightmarish. What are you trying to say? I assume YOU know. So just say it. THE aim is definitive but you give no clue as to why  this aim, and this aim only, is up for grabs.

That what is watching How can you seriously say that an aim is watching. You said it. Read what you write and HELP the reader feel what you feel. Unless you have a mental disorder there is just no excuse for this degree of gramatical gobbledygook. Ouch 1
is always wondering what lies under it allWhat is IT. Unrelated "its" are nonsensical, always.
To unruin the already ruined,In isolation this is unadulterated nonsense. Notwithstanding the poor  wordplay inherent in the "made up" versus the "obscure"....WHAT is ruined? You do not say.
or stretch out my frame
To rehabilitate, renovate, or extendI do not have an inkling as to what this means and unless you are a houseowner with ambitions it come right out of the blue. You are now in danger....and this is a valuable use of a cliche...of losing the plot....whatever it was.

If you weigh what’s mine and what it counters
How can I please feel botheredJust read this line out loud. No, best not. It is Vogon. You will go completely insane.


Sat inside the shared-houseSitting. Only the cat sat on the mat. Sheesh. This is intensive workshopping, alrighty.
Roaring walls of desire cry outCripes. I like it. What does it mean? I still like it. Let the poem start here.
for more time, rewiring,
and something to buy her
Like a capricious child
acute in acquiring
the preciousness of cute
They eye herThen it all collapses in to a mish-mash of electrical engineering, convoluted sentence structure, meaningless metaphor, ill-chosen words, missing preps...all in grammatical vacuum. Ouch 2.

The quiet space seemed inviting
The space between the pilot of the vessel
and the smileless wrestle
of fear and courage racing each other
till the winner meets the sighting of the reflection
Nevertheless I’m tryingDrug induced stuff like this is only made worse if you tell me it is not drug induced.

So I bite on some dried fruit
Soya milk
And guess I’m about to go with it
The whole of my ensemble
could do with another note in it
A little change of rote
Not estranged –
still resembling the strength that I came here with
....and on and on. Suggestion.Read it, re-read it. Punctuate it to clarity. Get it in to your head as a WHOLE...not little bits of fragmented thoughts...forget the hyperbole of poetic excess and go for small but perfect. There is way TOO MUCH wild thinking in this. I could, perhaps, read it all again but you are in the intensive workshopping forum...so why should I? It will be your poem, someday.
The lines that I draw
are not there to shame the lands that they claim
Rather rhyme with them,
with the aim of acclaiming the finery
of the apricots and pines
aligned so divinely
within the arches of my eyebrows

The lines that I draw
Rhyme with them

Marking vows that reverberate inside humble shrines
whose walls are not man-built
but not quite yet gilded either
Still need to feel the resonant power
of a self-love bible
and meet the preacher
that will treasure the space they hold
for what it is and is not

I take the tweezers
and sign a defining affirmation:
This sand
the land, and the nation, is mine
And it’s fine to do whatever I favour
For the hand brings bliss
And it’s what I’ve been missing
Can you hear the arriving waxwings singing?
The ringing in your ears
heralding the reminder
this budding delivery
is an attribute of my own fingertips
Shipping from the same residence
Equipped with the same energy
Merging in awe
Married

Best,
 tectak

( There's good abstract art and bad abstract art. There must be gradation or all is perfect and/or crap. Ouch 3)

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll >< llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Oookay, guys;

- this is quite a rough diamond I am trying to polish here for my uni arts project.
It is supposed to be voice recorded (by me, the author) and used as a narration for a short video I am doing: 
The piece is attempting to addressing people who tend to examine and speculate on one's beauty standards and modes of expression; themes being femininity and self-identification / presentation, which will involve shots of me dressing up in the morning, and some cross-edits with nature motifs.
Never been into much poetry, so feel free to bring out your chisels and hammers, and dig some sense into me as to how this is going, because I do want to improve my craft!
Title suggestions are very welcome as well.

Cheers