when walls fall edit #1

[Richard]

Hey operadiva,
I think the image a wall has a ton of potential to play with, and you do come up with some nice language use throughout the poem. My biggest suggestions would have to do with the rhyming and the repetition, but I'll get more into that below.

*I have made edits after receiving some much appreciated advice. 

When Walls Fall
 
brick upon brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall -This first stanza is fine. I think it would be better without the rhyme though.
 
storm after storm
did seek to breech
but drop after drop,
inside, never reached
 
day after day
onslaught persisted
drip, chip, drop, chip
but integrity remained -ellajam already commented on this about the broken rhyme scheme here. My question is whether or not you did this intentionally? Is this stanza supposed to stand out for some reason?
 
what remained was polished
crude brick to striking marble
what survived was proud
commonplace to modern marvel -I actually think this is the strongest stanza in the entire poem because it doesn't rely on repetition. I thoroughly like the last line two lines here.
 
One by one
they came to behold
one by one
they smiled and posed
 
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
met a wall too tough
 
until the unfeeling wall
was met by warm lips,
like the first sip of a hot tea
arousing a foundational shift -May be it's just me, but I don't get this image. How does hot tea cause a foundation to shift?
 
kiss after kiss
not harsh as storm
kiss after kiss
nor unwanted grope
 
kiss after kiss
wore wall to rock
kiss after kiss
wore rock to stone
 
kiss after kiss
now a grain of sand
no wall to kiss
no wall to stand -In the last three stanzas the wall represents something more than a wall. However, based on its description, the wall seems that it was just a wall at the beginning of the poem. I think this idea of a relationship finally breaking down the wall needs to be set up sooner in the poem to make it more effective.

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Original

when walls fall

 
brick by brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall
 
storm after storm
sought to breech
but drop after drop
never could reach
 
day after day
onslaught persisted
chip, chip, chip
weathered, but not eroded
 
what remained was polished
what survived was proud
crude brick to delicate marble
drive-by to modern marvel
 
One by one
they came to witness
one by one
they smiled and posed
 
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
but blemishes couldn’t shake
 
until a warm pair of lips
met the wall like the first sip
of a warm cup of tea
chilling its very foundation
 
kiss after kiss
not harsh like a storm
kiss after kiss
not an unwanted grope
 
kiss after kiss
wore the wall down to a rock
kiss after kiss
wore the rock down to a stone
 
kiss after kiss
left the stone a grain of sand
nothing left to kiss
nothing left to stand

I think you are definitely onto something with this poem. I would be curious to see it redone with no rhyming though. If you did this, then you wouldn't have to worry about the rhyme scheme. I would also suggest toning down the repetition. You should keep some of it, but I find there's so much repetition in this poem that it is distracting. I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard