Night Stories (Revision)

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
I really enjoyed this poem, especially some of the images you used. I do have some questions though, but they deal more the overall meaning than any of the language use.

Revision

The moon oscillates between hunger -This is such a wonderful way to describe the phases of the moon while also tying into the theme of your poem.
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach 
is distended beneath the blankets. -This is such a disturbing image... I love it!
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty
dinner plates. -This is wonderful metaphor that reinforces your overall description of the grandmother.
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses
of old age for a wet smile 
that would slice the skin 
from little girls, -I love the wording here. The image of her dying with a smile is just downright creepy.
who leave the forest path. The blood -Personally, I would have put "The blood" into the next line. I just think that the line, "who leave the forest path," is so important to your overall meaning that it needs to be left by itself. OR I would make "The blood" into it's own line.
pulses in your head like a knocking
door only three steps— I like the wording here. However, how does the image of knocking on a door tie in with the rest of the poem?
too far away, and you can’t help
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth. -This last line makes me wonder about the age of the speaker.

Original

The moon oscillates between hunger 
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach 
is distended beneath the blankets.
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty
dinner plates.
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses
of old age for a wet smile 
that would slice the skin 
from little girls, 
who leave the forest path.
Your feet take root
and you can’t help 
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth.

I do have a couple of questions, but these are more for my own curiosity than any type of critique. However, thinking about these questions might create further insight for you into the poem. First of all, how old is the speaker in this poem supposed to be? Second of all, how does the person actually feel about their grandmother? They are describing her as a witch in the poem, so is it safe to say they didn't have a very good relationship?

Overall, this is a wonderful poem, and you should take pride in having wrote it.

Cheers,
Richard