Hi Richard,
This is a difficult subject to write and avoid being overly sentimental. It's often just about impossible to truly express how we feel about the enormity of war: the conflict of pride and despair; the disconnect between the smart, smiling soldier and the trained killer; the child who left and the man who returned.
For me, the use of "my grandfather" is detracting from the poem. I wouldn't even think about bringing that in until the very end. My suggestion is that you build the picture of the fifteen-year-old going off to war before the twist of the grandfather's portrait. Personally, I'd probably start with your second stanza, or build the first stanza into a visual of the warzone then shift into the second, which is probably your strongest. Instead of "my grandfather" in the next stanza, consider "the old man" or similar.
You don't need to say "I feel pride". I think it's implicit. Consider joining the last two stanzas together, perhaps something like this:
Today my grandfather
in his uniform smiles down at me
from the portrait on the wall:
a man who chose
to give all he had.
Good luck with your revisions. You're definitely onto something good here.
This is a difficult subject to write and avoid being overly sentimental. It's often just about impossible to truly express how we feel about the enormity of war: the conflict of pride and despair; the disconnect between the smart, smiling soldier and the trained killer; the child who left and the man who returned.
For me, the use of "my grandfather" is detracting from the poem. I wouldn't even think about bringing that in until the very end. My suggestion is that you build the picture of the fifteen-year-old going off to war before the twist of the grandfather's portrait. Personally, I'd probably start with your second stanza, or build the first stanza into a visual of the warzone then shift into the second, which is probably your strongest. Instead of "my grandfather" in the next stanza, consider "the old man" or similar.
You don't need to say "I feel pride". I think it's implicit. Consider joining the last two stanzas together, perhaps something like this:
Today my grandfather
in his uniform smiles down at me
from the portrait on the wall:
a man who chose
to give all he had.
Good luck with your revisions. You're definitely onto something good here.
It could be worse