03-31-2017, 11:44 AM
edit 1;
Black Chalk
In his short life everyone said he'd be a
lovely man if only he'd learn to hold his
anger inside rather than lash out. But his
homies revered him
for the way he always resented any
word or gesture that disrespected him, his
mother or the father who never met him.
Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the
sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and
sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!
Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me?
Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last
time, when he can't fight against them or scare them?
Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they
use it any time someone's killed. We each die
wanting not to, even tough boys like him. Black
chalk is just grave dust.
In this edit I've tried to address @Todd's critques except for the weak line endings, which will require more thought. The (English) version of the (Greek) sapphic stanza is said to abound in enjambments, internal rhymes, and the like - but they have to be *good* enjambments, as suggested, not an excuse for sloppy phrasing.
I've also tried to respond to @Achebe's critiques in the last stanza. Have doubts about whether this will be the final form: first, I was thiinking of *marking* ashes such as the (incompletely burnt) ashes of blessed palm fronds used in Ash Wednesday markings, the charcoal used to mark doors during the Black Death, and so forth. However, the Ash Wednesday "dust thou shalt become" motif suggested the present last line. I'm strongly tempted to amputate the last foot, leaving "[Black] chalk is just dust" which seems to have more impact.
Black Chalk
In his short life everyone said he'd be a
lovely man if only he'd learn to hold his
anger inside rather than lash out. But his
homies revered him
for the way he always resented any
word or gesture that disrespected him, his
mother or the father who never met him.
Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the
sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and
sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!
Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me?
Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last
time, when he can't fight against them or scare them?
Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they
use it any time someone's killed. We each die
wanting not to, even tough boys like him. Black
chalk is just grave dust.
In this edit I've tried to address @Todd's critques except for the weak line endings, which will require more thought. The (English) version of the (Greek) sapphic stanza is said to abound in enjambments, internal rhymes, and the like - but they have to be *good* enjambments, as suggested, not an excuse for sloppy phrasing.
I've also tried to respond to @Achebe's critiques in the last stanza. Have doubts about whether this will be the final form: first, I was thiinking of *marking* ashes such as the (incompletely burnt) ashes of blessed palm fronds used in Ash Wednesday markings, the charcoal used to mark doors during the Black Death, and so forth. However, the Ash Wednesday "dust thou shalt become" motif suggested the present last line. I'm strongly tempted to amputate the last foot, leaving "[Black] chalk is just dust" which seems to have more impact.
Non-practicing atheist