< Denver Airport at 8 am >

[RiverNotch]

                       


                                                                < Denver Airport at 8 am >

it feels like something to be shorn. this already works, but not totally -- the first part, from the Rocky to luggage, doesn't sound right, and the last part, from as we comb on, doesn't look right.

                                                                the Rocky Mountains turn
                                                                to roars and runways
                                                                taxis, cars, and buses
                                                                concrete parking echoes i mean concrete parking echoes flows smoothly, but smoothness i don't think fits the picture. i would suggest remove "and buses", reject punctuation, move concrete up a line, and lose "-ing"
                                                                of departures and arrivals this reads too airplane-y, and thus completely unnecessary. turn, runways, taxis all convey this sense of airline movement well enough.
                                                                luggage
                                                                brown and black nothing's really done with "luggage / brown and black" here, especially since the emphasis on luggage really makes it feel like a sort of turn, yet brown and black aren't any dissimilar from the previous.
                                                                it's going somewhere would be more interesting just cutting to the chase, losing "it's"
                                                                with a man whose sign is saying "Jackson" lose too "is" and replace "-ing" with "-s"
                                                                jeans and suits and open sandals, cowboy boots
                                                                and bathrooms filled with soap and toilet tissue but yeah, this whole section, from "a man whose sign" down to "toilet tissue", really pops, the sudden injection of color capturing that proper, cosmopolitan feel. what comes afterward, though, is a slog.
                                                                as we comb our hair this seems to be an attempt to return to a syntax not needing to be returned to. 
                                                                good socks
                                                                clean shirt
                                                                fresh underwear the picture of universality from "as we comb" to "fresh underwear" though feels like the right sort of landing, preparing us for the inevitabilities of pre-departure/post-arrival ennui, but having it be yet another list at this point feels like padding. remove "good socks / clean shirt".
                                                                and cops and terrorists and me well "terrorists" is a jab that really isn't explored, to the point that the ambiguity, especially considering all the issues plaguing airports since, say, 9/11, and the concept of international travel since, say, the height of the current immigrant crisis, just feels, if not highly irresponsible, then at least annoying. remove.
                                                                at tiny tables
                                                                drink expensive coffee
                                                                sitting from this point on the welcome's officially overstayed, "sitting", "waiting", and for because of the slight rhyme / similar classification "drink" being yet another list. probably remove "drink", "sitting", and, especially considering the title, "here in Denver", and perhaps replace "waiting" with something that feels more, er, waiting-ey, but at this point the less specific imagery makes for an open book. key, though, is the removal of the list, as well as any mention of the actual place.
                                                                waiting
                                                                here in Denver

                                                                        - - -





thanks for the read. lovely work.
    Criticism is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)

    Ancillary images:

               



               

rev 1
 < Denver Airport at 8 am >

 the Rocky Mountains turn
 to roars and runways
 taxis, cars, and buses
 concrete parking echoes
 of departures and arrivals
 luggage
 brown and black
 it's going somewhere
 with a man whose sign is saying "Jackson"
 jeans and suits and open sandals, cowboy boots
 and bathrooms filled with soap and toilet tissue
 as we comb our hair
 good socks
 clean shirt
 fresh underwear
 and cops and terrorists and me
 at tiny tables
 drink expensive coffee
 sitting
 waiting
 here in Denver
 - - -

rev 0
 < Denver airport at 8 am >

 the Rocky Mountains turn to
 roars and runways
 taxis, cars, and buses
 concrete parking echoes
 of departures and arrivals
 luggage
 brown and black
 is going somewhere
 with a man whose sign is saying "Jackson"
 jeans and suits and open sandals, cowboy boots
 and bathrooms filled with soap and toilet tissue
 as we comb our hair
 clean socks
 nice shirt
 fresh underwear
 and cops and terrorists and me
 at tiny tables
 drink expensive coffee
 sitting
 waiting
 here in Denver
 - - -