03-30-2017, 03:22 AM
I am somewhat confused by the scene here: the opening line indicates that you have just arrived in Denver, but sitting at a table "drink[ing] expensive coffee" seems more like a 'waiting for the plane to board' activity in my experience. I suppose this could be a layover. Or else you are waiting for a ride/for your luggage to be ready? I kind of wish there was more context, but I also like the dispassionate tone that implies a narrative without directly presenting it--i.e. this is a business trip or something, gauging by the speaker's focus on nice clothes and willingness to drink expensive coffee.
As far as form goes, the opening five lines have a good associative flow, very expansive in contrast to the poem's centered ending. Moving the "to" was definitely an improvement. The three lines beginning w/ "luggage" are weaker and come abruptly, breaking the beginning's flow. "it's going somewhere" in particular is too disinterested and passive for my tastes. I like that you use line breaks in lieu of punctuation. Is all the luggage going with the "man whose sign [says] Jackson?" That is what the poem, as written, seems to be saying. Regardless, I like the "man whose sign [says] Jackson" detail except that it should be "says" instead of "is saying" which is passive, confusing, and worse sounding. The next two long lines are an excellent segue from the "Jackson" line because the associative train of thought makes a great deal of sense. I like that the poem starts out expansive, contracts, expands again, and contracts again in the end, but I still think the "luggage" stuff is weak. "Hair"/"Underwear" is a cute (in a good way) rhyme. "Clean socks/neat shirt" IMO, but YMMV. The ending is good, blissfully ordinary. The "terrorists" line is hilarious.
Overall, good stuff. Having gone over the poem in detail it seems probable to me that you have arrived after an overnight/early morning flight in Denver on a business pretext and are now waiting for someone to pick you up, but I'm still not certain. The poem succeeds, so I'm not sure the scene needs to be clearer, but I tend to dislike ambiguity.
As far as form goes, the opening five lines have a good associative flow, very expansive in contrast to the poem's centered ending. Moving the "to" was definitely an improvement. The three lines beginning w/ "luggage" are weaker and come abruptly, breaking the beginning's flow. "it's going somewhere" in particular is too disinterested and passive for my tastes. I like that you use line breaks in lieu of punctuation. Is all the luggage going with the "man whose sign [says] Jackson?" That is what the poem, as written, seems to be saying. Regardless, I like the "man whose sign [says] Jackson" detail except that it should be "says" instead of "is saying" which is passive, confusing, and worse sounding. The next two long lines are an excellent segue from the "Jackson" line because the associative train of thought makes a great deal of sense. I like that the poem starts out expansive, contracts, expands again, and contracts again in the end, but I still think the "luggage" stuff is weak. "Hair"/"Underwear" is a cute (in a good way) rhyme. "Clean socks/neat shirt" IMO, but YMMV. The ending is good, blissfully ordinary. The "terrorists" line is hilarious.
Overall, good stuff. Having gone over the poem in detail it seems probable to me that you have arrived after an overnight/early morning flight in Denver on a business pretext and are now waiting for someone to pick you up, but I'm still not certain. The poem succeeds, so I'm not sure the scene needs to be clearer, but I tend to dislike ambiguity.