Black Chalk - Edit2

[Todd]

Duke, there are some lines in here that I really like. The idea of black chalk and the last line especially stands out to me. Where I have some issue is first with the line breaks. I realize you're trying to hold to a form but a lot of these breaks seem weak to me. I'd prefer the breaks on more interesting, thematic words (S2 finding a way to break on resented and disrespected for example). Some additional comments below:

Black Chalk


In his short life everyone said he'd have a
happy one if only he'd learn to hold his--This feels a bit awkward, rather than referring to life again perhaps "In his short life everyone said he'd be happy if only..."
anger inside rather than lash out. But his
homies revered him

for the way he always resented any
word or gesture that disrespected him, his
mother or the father who never met him.
Now where he lay an

outline of his body in white chalk on the
sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and
sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!--I like the rain and sneakers part
Why does a black child

get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me?
Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last
time, when he can't fight against them or scare them?
Do they still hate him?

No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they
use it any time someone's killed. We all are
equal in death, even rough boys like him. Black--The equal in death thing feels a bit too preachy. I'd like something a bit more subtle so that we can draw the conclusion without being told. I like the white the way bone is part.
chalk would be ashes.

Sapphic stanzas seemed suitable

Just a few thoughts.

Best,

Todd