03-20-2017, 05:23 AM
Forgive my taking liberty with your poem. I'm not saying this is the way it should be, just an example of letting imagination run a little more freer. To me this is what the poem wishes to do, but it is constrained. The telling line is the speaker daring the rain to drown him and basically laughing at the rain because the speaker is on the third floor and he knows it can't reach him there. So it shows to me that the speaker who seems to be an adult, is letting his child side out, so why not go all the way? It gives the reader more of something to latch on to and thus involves them emotionally. As is it is a little too terse and leaves the reader little to become involved with.
city diary: October
October Rain falls outside my window
and I dare it to drown me.
I laugh because
I live on the third story.
I fly downstairs and
flash outside superhero style.
I splash in a puddle:
my cape flying behind me.
Best,
dale
city diary: October
October Rain falls outside my window
and I dare it to drown me.
I laugh because
I live on the third story.
I fly downstairs and
flash outside superhero style.
I splash in a puddle:
my cape flying behind me.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.