03-13-2017, 12:51 PM
"The self-indulgence of daydreaming at night,"
I think this line could be tweaked. The pattern of "The ________ of ____ __ ____" is something I see fairly often, so it doesn't have as much of an impact as the rest of the poem.
"And it broke me. Like the bullfight, and Brett and a bullfight,
and a soft name in a phone, and that perfect name in between."
This is just beautiful... I love how you've managed to use the word "bullfight" in a way that it still sounds graceful. How you've repeated it using "a" instead of "the" the second time makes it sound more abstract, like you've been thinking about it over and over again.
I also really like how this poem created a scene in my head, without actually describing a setting. I imagine a dark, poorly-lit city street, shiny and rained-on, with tall buildings on both sides...
I think this line could be tweaked. The pattern of "The ________ of ____ __ ____" is something I see fairly often, so it doesn't have as much of an impact as the rest of the poem.
"And it broke me. Like the bullfight, and Brett and a bullfight,
and a soft name in a phone, and that perfect name in between."
This is just beautiful... I love how you've managed to use the word "bullfight" in a way that it still sounds graceful. How you've repeated it using "a" instead of "the" the second time makes it sound more abstract, like you've been thinking about it over and over again.
I also really like how this poem created a scene in my head, without actually describing a setting. I imagine a dark, poorly-lit city street, shiny and rained-on, with tall buildings on both sides...