03-13-2017, 05:38 AM
Hey, nice piece! I definitely admire your sense of rhythm. Hope it's not too late to give some thoughts and suggestions!
(02-09-2017, 10:57 PM)Erthona Wrote: The Humbler (Happy Ballet Times Daze)
“What fools these Human’s be” -I see the reference to Shakespeare, but not sure what the point in changing mortals to humans is. The rest of your poem alludes to Shakespeare quite directly, and I think it would be just as effective if you made the reference directly. If you decide to keep it as humans, then I would reconsider that lingering apostrophe
when in love, yes I see,
but, the larger truth, -for me, the 'but' here obfuscates the direction of the first sentence (first 5 lines). I'm not entirely sure which clause it belongs too
what greater fools when not,
spirits twisted and souls rot!
How pompous, vain,
and condescending,
only through Love’s sufferance,
might this wound be mending,
yet hide, when see healing descending, -'when see' feels a little clunky
until by Valentine’s pox laid low,
with a shot from Eros’ bow!
Oh, oh, OH! -this is cool; if your goal is to create a proper crescendo effect, it might be worth forsaking the capitalization on the first 'Oh' (i.e. oh, oh, OH!). Your preference though!
It is madness, is it not?
It’s been so long that I’d forgot,
I hope it fades away…
Yet, only does the grave,
fools,
from the foolish save!
Still...not all is sadness and sorrow,
for I shall be a grave fool on the morrow,
if I might a line from Mercutio borrow,
till then, anon,
for I am gone and done,
my bugled sword in baldric hung!-like the rhythm here, last 6 lines are great
erthona
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