03-12-2017, 06:40 AM
(commenting on edit #1)
Some definite improvements in this edit. Tagging along with @ellajam's comment about creating expectations, another area to explore might be, not giving all your stanzas equally short lines (with the first, for example) but alternating stanzas with long and stanzas with short lines for dramatic effect. That works very well, contrasting Stanza 4 (long lines) with others, and dminishing in length (as the wall diminishes) in the last three stanzas. This would let you use more words for more complex ideas (in Stanza 2, for example, where more words could remove the need for inversions such as "never could reach"). This board tends to frown a bit on inversions, and in my experience pushing on the line a bit - rethinking it - almost always suggests an alternative with natural word order.
Doing well!
Some definite improvements in this edit. Tagging along with @ellajam's comment about creating expectations, another area to explore might be, not giving all your stanzas equally short lines (with the first, for example) but alternating stanzas with long and stanzas with short lines for dramatic effect. That works very well, contrasting Stanza 4 (long lines) with others, and dminishing in length (as the wall diminishes) in the last three stanzas. This would let you use more words for more complex ideas (in Stanza 2, for example, where more words could remove the need for inversions such as "never could reach"). This board tends to frown a bit on inversions, and in my experience pushing on the line a bit - rethinking it - almost always suggests an alternative with natural word order.
Doing well!
Non-practicing atheist