03-09-2017, 09:13 AM
(03-09-2017, 06:00 AM)just mercedes Wrote: The progression or juxtaposition of the images in the last 5 lines are great. I like your poem - only reservation is the 'next day' of school' - one day doesn't feel long enough to '... forget about love ...' but pow what an ending.thanks. and yes, the one day thing is a problem. there was, in the original sketch for this, a line that rationalised the leap--something about getting distracted by alcohol or drugs, and then forgetting about love etc. etc. which then made the 'love forgetting about you' line more poignant--but somewhere in the edit i couldn't quite make it work, and decided to "settle"--as so often happens with my poems nowadays. still, i wanted to reflect a kind of snowball effect, whereby life is condensed, or flattened under time. anyway, cheers, and if i ever come back to this one i'll definitely try to iron out that crease.