Exodus Women (final)

[nibbed]

Forever Unfavored


Flaming hēméra hēlíou  ... Ra would make sense in the Egyptian context. Not sure why you're bringing in Greek gods here.
wrestled heathery billows
easily winning
the earliest curtain call; ... The sun rising is the opposite of a curtain call, and yet it is a curtain call. A play on words that doesn't translate into a pun (nor meaningful irony)

Reeling in aftermaths,
Exodus of old,
while waltzing currents
& past circumstance,... I can't follow this strophe or the one after it. The flaming sun is reeling in aftermaths today, and needn't wonder of fretting dead (the fretting?). Or was the idea to end the previous strophe on a full stop and make "Today" the subject of S2 and S3? I'm lost.

Today needn't wonder
of fretting dread?

Trials of motherhood,
fear of swollen bellies,
dripping sweat
insuring heavy breathers
secure their rust stained huts; ... I'm not sure how trials of motherhood secure anything

Confined,
they found Holy Words
their only balm.

There's nothing new under the sun.

Partnered with the inevitable,
quieting the most hidden of lamentations,
facing toils greater than a master's whip, ... too wordy up to this point, without the benefit of sonics, imagery...

drawing Swords daily
against those
perpetually
immoral
immortal
immutable ... 'immured, inimitable, impervious' - can go on and on. No sonic quality. Just words.
death angel campaigns,

our aged & frail
pleaded without ceasing,
begged mercy
found only at God's Throne;

Broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers
drained and parched,
stammering
stumbling
sweltering
in wilderness
whimpering
whispering weariness ..... and wearing winter, from the withering of weeds. Again, pointless alliteration.

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,

we find an end.

Warring the inheritance
of men's ravishing demerit
& that burning mark of invisibility
applied so discreetly

even more secretly
through Death & Hell's slack;

As the dead gods of Egypt continued
cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's Once Hopeful Heart.




Note background of inspiration:
KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33

Hi nibbed - I couldn't go on after 'weariness' - it was too wearying. I have provided some observations above.

Hi Achebe,

Thank you for kindly considering a once over on my poem. I think I must have made a mistake
in publishing my First Revision noticeably which eliminated a lot of the muck,
not done yet, though. I've sort of lost the tears/angry passion that drove me to write it.
Thank you for your critique!