(rape) Phnom Penh

[billy]

first off great effort. were you going for an italian sestet rhyme, abcabc, if so town/around in the first verse and now/down in the third verse could perhaps be played with. the meter feels forced in a few places but what's missing for me is the image of phnom penh as a whole: i can't see it, i do like the poem because you've put some good thought into its structure but it could be anywhere. mention some Vietnamese food, street names, attire, modes of transport, types of building and or other things that could tie the place to an image in our mind. thanks for the read.

(I was trying to achieve a narrator with a wandering, frazzled mind in this poem, but I fear it might have made it come across as incohesive and disorganized. Any advice to help with this particular issue [or any of course] is greatly appreciated.)

Phnom Penh

If I could know your sprawling city streets
just as I know those in this very town
(and that is thoroughly, I do attest)
then maybe once again we two could meet
just as we did when time bossed us around
but childhood kept us in its own warm nest—

We've flown since then I fear: unfurled our wings
still damp with sticky yolk and spread them out nice carry on of the metaphor.
uncertain of where wandering winds would lead some will see an extra half foot here but for me wandering is pronounced wandring and works well enough to keep
and you have built a sturdy home with things
which give you no excuse to stop and doubt
aesthetic matters which serve no great need—

My dear, my house lies in fair shambles now
for I have fashioned it with foolish hope
that beauty would suffice to keep its shape: 
If only I could silently lie down
and sleep under your own roof I could cope
but as it stands these wounds will stay agape—

These city streets are closing in tonight
and now I doubt that I have ever known
them with the confidence that I have claimed
for when I try to picture them alight
with the same sunbeams that cover your own
I cannot see: they stay dark all the same.