The Seer of Carthage

[Todd]

Hi Mark,

Let me give you a few comments. Overall I like the poem. There's a lot here that doesn't feel forced and reads well. I had a few areas of concern that I'll point out below, but nicely done.

If you're going for blank verse which it appears you are L1 feels a bit metrically a bit long.

The city in full festive spirit bustles
Its foreign tongues express exotic speech
and men are clothed in strange outlandish dress
where goods and money change tight clutching hands

Yet I am lying down with face looking up--This is a nice line to give the sense of the seer in a trance.
I hear a whisper, faintly in my head
declaring: Carthage will fall from its height
to crushed waste where vultures eat the dead

No more will people walk the city streets
the Marketplace devoid of all its stock
no chatter heard or clunking wooden carts --I like clunking wooden carts. Very visual and employs sound well.
no children play or go around about

An eerie sound of silence will reside--Hard for me to get out of a Paul Simon mindset with sound of silence.
with only whispers heard of men deceased.
I scream and bellow curses to the gods
for bringing wrath upon this city now

My lungs inside me burn, my head is numb
from top to toe, I shake ceaselessly
my fragile frame now crippled by a dread
that some inferno will consume my soul

I long that gods would come and smite me down
by slicing wide this punic heart of mine
that I may stoop and sleep with fallen men
before eyes are casted upon this city’s fall--I don't like casted here. It isn't modern usage and anything other than cast will stop the reader and remind them that their reading a poem.

My noisy cries and shouts go heavenward
then twenty eyes now peel before my shape
their faces morph into the gods of Baal--gods of Baal. I thought Baal was a singular sun/prosperity god. I don't read Baal and think parthenon--am I incorrect? 
ready to bring their judgement over me

I’m lying down in mud condemned by them
yet as the sun’s rays gleam down from above
I long redemption’s wings would lift me up--while I don't have a big problem with this is Baal worship and the like actually something that would have redemption as a common thought? It works because the concept clearly existed but it may still be out of place with that specific periosd.
And Carthage would be spared its ruined fate

Yet Death is now beside me where he waits
with his sickle now hanging over me--Carthage was a contemporary and enemy of Rome. The idea of death with a sickle or scythe didn't come until the middle ages. This works for modern readers but breaks with your period.
foretasting poisoned fruit from hand decayed
I am ensnared in his demonic trance

I ask for one to end my suffering
to smother me now with a pillow case--pillow case seems too modern.
or squeeze my throat with hands together clenched
but no one there responds to my request

Then by the powerful hands of the gods
I break out of my hellish trance and sing
for death my source of fear has drifted away
like shadows of a passing cloud above

I now turn heavenward and thank the gods
for sparing me and the great capital
which although may decline in glory yet
I pray it shall see better days ahead

I enjoyed a lot of this poem and I think it has good bones. I hope the comments will be helpful to you--whatever you choose to do with them.

Best,

Todd