haiku? !

[nibbed]

Revision 1


Hail pellets fury,
Floods shriek a rattling squall:
Bombastic rain stick!

Hi nibbed. The revision seems like an improvement to me. I just can't figure out how flooding shrieks. I live in an area that floods every spring and it doesn't sound like much of anything, maybe a thundering sound if you're near a river that's swollen. Something that the water is pressing up against could shriek. Also shriek and squall are pretty similar in meaning and you might consider changing one to bring in another element.

I like that you used fury as a verb, I thought that was clever.

Thanks, Lizzie. I was stuck, and then the thought of one of those rainsticks came to mind, the kind you tip up and down over and over to hear the sound of falling rain. They sound real, but they are clever devices. I actually had a lesson in vocabulary while I was studying the poem. I wanted to use the word bombastic as I was inspired by a loud storm that blew in last night. I always thought bombastic meant a huge loud event, but it is a lesser event that boasts something greater than it is.  I learn things about myself through words and this wonder of the pen, for which I am thankful. Thank you for your reply, I greatly respect your critique.