Exodus Women (final)

[nibbed]

Hi, Mike.

Thank you ever so kindly for taking the time and helping me clean this up. I will definitely consider your critiques with my next revision. I was stuck on finding a word better than the plain old sun/sol as I wanted to convey revelation or dawning of thought, the bright rising sun, having to close the curtains, etc. Definitely will search for a better sun word than the Greek, but thought at the time it befitting concerning a piece related around Scripture...I agree poems that cause me to have to rush to google for definitions take the stroll off things.

The nothing new under the sun is from Ecc. and was intended as blatant sarcasm bringing the past together with the present, but I suppose with further study I may be able to find something that will work better that is familiar enough for readers to understand. The whole piece is descriptive of the suffering circumstance of women today connecting the women of post Exodus from Egypt, a sisterhood, so to speak. Mostly concerning the bondage of men's hearts held captive for so long in idolatry causing coldness and failure to pair bond in loyalty. A sort of curse that continues today, also resulting in distress and death for women of faith who long for things to be as they should.

Thank you ever so much. I especially am awkward and clumsy concerning breaking in stanzas and spacing. I agree it needs shortening. I will begin on my 2nd revision soon. Thank you & Best wishes. nibbed

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REVISION 1

(untitled)               



Reeling over Exodus' aftermath
one needn't wonder
the frets of such women:

Trials of motherhood,
horror of swollen bellies,
the steadying of rust stained huts;

Hidden behind joyful masks
and muffled lamentations,
they endured shadowy toils
greater than Pharoah's whip;

Untangling busted chords,
drinking daily reliable Sword,
the battle raged
against evil campaigns of death;

Aged & frail,
pleading without ceasing,
begging mercy
found only at God's Throne;

Throngs of broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers
drained and parched,
stammer in the wilderness

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,
we find holy words our only balm:

For I know that my redeemer liveth,
and that he shall stand
at the latter day upon the earth

For without this hope,
we war forever sadly
a most cursed inheritance,
Men's ravishing demerit:
The mark of Love's invisibility,

As the dead gods of Egypt continue
their cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's hopeful heart.




Inspired by KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33
Job 19:25