02-25-2017, 06:34 AM
(02-25-2017, 04:21 AM)Lizzie Wrote: You say you want to rebuild the cafes,Really love this piece, feels really fresh. I would 100 change the name though. You don't need salt in the title. You can call it Kaiju or Godzilla or whatever you please really; I don't think it needs to be a pull from the body of the poem. Great stuff.
waterfront, parks, restaurants really strong start but there something about 'waterfront' that bugs me, it just sits a bit odd as the only singular in the list.
exactly how you loved them.
Have you forgotten? You rampaged yes
through the city thrashing, insensate
like Mothra raging for her eggs, yes
only you had no such noble motive. odd phrasing, I think something like 'but without such noble motive' or 'but you had no noble motive' might read better
The sidewalks look like puzzles.
Freeways split like banana halves. 'split like halved bananas' would be my preference. Actually I'm not sure. Anyway it's a great image.
The buses don't run, love, Makes the relationship between the two seem more personal that I had previously realised up to this point
but we can count change anyway. Yesss
We can trip over rubble,
ignore rubbish and debris, I feel like rubble debris and rubbish are all similar, and that maybe rubbish should be swapped out. That said the rhythm is nice.
it's moving. We'll order the only food
on the corner store's menu:
deep fried rats and alley cats,
make small talk
and pass the salt. A nice down to earth ending.
EDIT: You changed the title whilst I was writing this crit.

