02-19-2017, 06:49 AM
Thank you Caleb and Chels and Lizzie,
It is severe.
Can I remain mute as to the request for explanation and backstory?
Not for my own amusement, but for the sake of testing or adjusting the piece's ability to be understood without my clarification.
Otherwise it will not stand on its own.
Caleb,
To answer your questions while not explaining the backstory would be pretty difficult.
I don't want to add more details, not because I can't but because it more though provoking without.
My goal is for the reader to feel what I feel, the horror and helplessness and understand it after reading it a few times.
I assume that is ok?
Chels,
I'm not that great at punctuation, I once was, but forgot.
I appreciate that semi colon and I want to use it.
However, I try to remain a genuine person and since I don't use them it feels phony to me.
I can just use a period instead. Right?
I will correct and rewrite the initial including sheer.
Having the line break where you suggest seems to chop up the statement of the first line.
As if am making two statements.
And the lone "My heart pounds and I struggle to breathe. " Seems a little melodramatic or cliche.
But the fact is upon review I can add some detail to this line and I thank you for drawing my attention to it.
Also, I want it to happen real-time to the reader. Does that make sense?
I don't want to break up the last line because it is one statement.
Not two.
But then again putting that last line by itself makes it more of a focal point for thought.
Lizzie,
cold and alone is a bit of a cliche-- yes, but lets leave it there to be changed later. I have to run now.
I just re-posted the initial with revisions. See what you think now.
It is severe.
Can I remain mute as to the request for explanation and backstory?
Not for my own amusement, but for the sake of testing or adjusting the piece's ability to be understood without my clarification.
Otherwise it will not stand on its own.
Caleb,
To answer your questions while not explaining the backstory would be pretty difficult.
I don't want to add more details, not because I can't but because it more though provoking without.
My goal is for the reader to feel what I feel, the horror and helplessness and understand it after reading it a few times.
I assume that is ok?
Chels,
I'm not that great at punctuation, I once was, but forgot.
I appreciate that semi colon and I want to use it.
However, I try to remain a genuine person and since I don't use them it feels phony to me.
I can just use a period instead. Right?
I will correct and rewrite the initial including sheer.
Having the line break where you suggest seems to chop up the statement of the first line.
As if am making two statements.
And the lone "My heart pounds and I struggle to breathe. " Seems a little melodramatic or cliche.
But the fact is upon review I can add some detail to this line and I thank you for drawing my attention to it.
Also, I want it to happen real-time to the reader. Does that make sense?
I don't want to break up the last line because it is one statement.
Not two.
But then again putting that last line by itself makes it more of a focal point for thought.
Lizzie,
cold and alone is a bit of a cliche-- yes, but lets leave it there to be changed later. I have to run now.
I just re-posted the initial with revisions. See what you think now.