02-18-2017, 03:16 PM
This is a hard poem to critique because it is so dramatic. Let me first say that I hope you did not write this poem from real life! The scene sounds absolutely awful. However, it's my task to offer a critique and not worry about the circumstances in the poem.
Most of the poem is straight description. You don't give readers a lot of detail, like the who, where, why of this event. If you did, then it might help the reader to relate to the event a little more.
The speaker's reaction in the final line strikes me as a little strange. If I had just watched someone be immolated, I would be hysterical.
Perhaps "fire" in this poem is really symbolic fire. Perhaps you are writing about someone who symbolically immolates himself/herself. If so, then the final line makes more sense. But then, if the fire is symbolic, why are you seeing it through sheer blinds?
If the fire is real, then I'd like to point out that the victim would not convulse and collapse after being consumed.
If the fire is real, why do you say in the last line that it no longer burns "for me"? I'm getting mixed signals at to whether this is a real or symbolic event.
The main thing is that the poem needs more details that will allow the reader to relate to the event described.
Most of the poem is straight description. You don't give readers a lot of detail, like the who, where, why of this event. If you did, then it might help the reader to relate to the event a little more.
The speaker's reaction in the final line strikes me as a little strange. If I had just watched someone be immolated, I would be hysterical.
Perhaps "fire" in this poem is really symbolic fire. Perhaps you are writing about someone who symbolically immolates himself/herself. If so, then the final line makes more sense. But then, if the fire is symbolic, why are you seeing it through sheer blinds?
If the fire is real, then I'd like to point out that the victim would not convulse and collapse after being consumed.
If the fire is real, why do you say in the last line that it no longer burns "for me"? I'm getting mixed signals at to whether this is a real or symbolic event.
The main thing is that the poem needs more details that will allow the reader to relate to the event described.