02-18-2017, 04:47 AM
There's a lot of good stuff going on in this poem, but the pacing is weird and the ending, which draws a conclusion for the reader, is weak.
Poor fly – very small, a fruit fly –
floated 'round my bathroom five days if not a week.
So small that I could not hear you buzz.
I swatted at you every instant that I spied you,
but you nimbly made your escapes.
The first stanza is fine. It does a good job setting up the poem's conflict and melodramatic tone. I like "nimbly made your escapes." However, the syntax is a little awkward--"Poor fly... floated round my bathroom five days if not a week" establishes a very fluid speaking style, which is counteracted by the "that"s and "at" in the following lines. "So small [that] I could not hear you buzz" is a little odd because you are commenting on something that has no precedent for being there. 'I could hardly hear you whine' or something gives the line a reason to exist.
The middle stanzas are good, the highlight of the poem. I would cut some of the "but"s for the same reason I would cut the "that"s. In a similar vein, the "the" before "winter had arrived" could be trimmed. IMO, the third stanza could come after the fifth stanza and, with a little tweaking for fluidity, become the closing stanza of the poem. I don't think that you need to go on a tirade about the poetic significance of death to make the death of this fly poetically significant.
Poor fly – very small, a fruit fly –
floated 'round my bathroom five days if not a week.
So small that I could not hear you buzz.
I swatted at you every instant that I spied you,
but you nimbly made your escapes.
The first stanza is fine. It does a good job setting up the poem's conflict and melodramatic tone. I like "nimbly made your escapes." However, the syntax is a little awkward--"Poor fly... floated round my bathroom five days if not a week" establishes a very fluid speaking style, which is counteracted by the "that"s and "at" in the following lines. "So small [that] I could not hear you buzz" is a little odd because you are commenting on something that has no precedent for being there. 'I could hardly hear you whine' or something gives the line a reason to exist.
The middle stanzas are good, the highlight of the poem. I would cut some of the "but"s for the same reason I would cut the "that"s. In a similar vein, the "the" before "winter had arrived" could be trimmed. IMO, the third stanza could come after the fifth stanza and, with a little tweaking for fluidity, become the closing stanza of the poem. I don't think that you need to go on a tirade about the poetic significance of death to make the death of this fly poetically significant.