caroline

[canofworms]

Silk screen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek there.
How I long to lay my head next to you.

I can't picture sweat as a screen. And silk screen leaves me cold. The silk is presumably because of the sheen. The metaphor of sweat as silk or as a screen then is dispensed with in the next two lines, so why bother having it in the first place.
Perhaps it'd be better attempted with a simile such as "sweat sits like silk on your shoulder" etc
The last two lines are a bit mundane. Not punchy enough for a short poem

refer to undefined

[b]ellajam response[/b]

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Yes I mean a silkscreen. As if it were purposely and perfectly spread through a fine screen onto a surface.

And it is a mundane thing.

I see the fine shoulder of beautiful woman with a thin layer of perspiration and I am lost in a daydream in which I press my face right there. Smelling her, hearing her breath, feeling her warmth seeing the muscles of her neck and the round shape of the top of her cleavage.

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek

or

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to rest my head upon that morning dew.