02-16-2017, 02:41 PM
I like it on the whole.
The dinner plate doily sized snow flakes threw off my rhythm because I had to stop and ponder the possibility of such a large snowflake. then I'm thrown off again when I imagined your beagle catching them.
Since you are having breakfast what about corn-flakes or even frosted corn flakes.
Forgive me running with this "Snow falls like frosted cornflakes into the milky sea that was my lawn."
Sorry, I know that's silly, but I couldn't resist.
You could just say "Snowflakes like doilies"
I don't mind the repetition of you watching.
In fact I like it.
It's the conflict in the poem.
Wonderful life is happening and you are just watching.
The dinner plate doily sized snow flakes threw off my rhythm because I had to stop and ponder the possibility of such a large snowflake. then I'm thrown off again when I imagined your beagle catching them.
Since you are having breakfast what about corn-flakes or even frosted corn flakes.
Forgive me running with this "Snow falls like frosted cornflakes into the milky sea that was my lawn."
Sorry, I know that's silly, but I couldn't resist.
You could just say "Snowflakes like doilies"
I don't mind the repetition of you watching.
In fact I like it.
It's the conflict in the poem.
Wonderful life is happening and you are just watching.