Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

[rollingbrianjones]

Hi Ellajam,

Thanks for some great suggestions with this one. 

A couple of them smacked me in the face as obvious improvements (so a big thank you for those), a couple were around things I personally like (so obviously, being the self centred voice of this poem, I haven't used them;D)- and parts made me see potential changes that perhaps are not exactly as you describe but 100% inspired by your suggestion. Briefly noted thoughts and have edited in the original post (third edit).

So yeah, thank you, I didn't ignore this comment for ages as I didn't agree, I've just had no time to consider writing for a while! 

Thanks.

RBJ

Hi, RBJ, I think some smoother punctuation (beware, I'm no expert) would help, and a  few word changes suggested below.

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims? No longer yours. Whim's would clear this line of its slight awkwardness. Not sure what an apostrophe changes here? The whims are possessed rather than possessing? Not awkward to me, the first three lines are actually the bit I'm best pleased with! But I'm changing the punctuation to perhaps enforce the way I want it read.
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores. maybe: For me she chores. Much better, yes, ty.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain; Unsure if semicolon is right here, maybe an em dash. Yup, ty again.
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain, Maybe a colon after her, semi after vain. changed but not as described
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain. maybe: You caused your loss, I made my gain. Yes, changed
But no, a cuckoo I am not But I'm no cuckoo in your spot,
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. no comma after slain. Agree, changed last two lines- really want the sentiment and the return to the title/metaphor but can't help feeling it's weak in my desperate grabbing at this!