The Fires of Betrayal
#7
Like another reader said, it seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some of the worst frustration and suffering is not living up to our own principles. I loved the descriptions you used.  
It did seem kind of fragmented/choppy in stanzas 2-5 and 9-10. It was hard for me to follow clearly in those sections.  
(01-22-2017, 03:33 PM)JasonM. Wrote:  The Fires of Betrayal.

I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes 
before my eyes saw it The repetition of eyes is distracting. It seems your contrasting intuition with literal vision. Maybe use a word (in L4) that eludes to the tangible so there's a greater distinction?? Or in L2, replace eyes with something else; soul, life, face... 
coming. 

It's deep inside 
where I saw it occur 
while manifesting into 
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.

I accepted the ramifications 
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target. 

I forgave the wrongdoings 
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only 
being to be of fault,  
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as 
lessons I should learn.

Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.

Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind   Love these two lines
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me. 

She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could, great wording and imagery
for my own bearings did not match 
the predicted weight. 

she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations. 

Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick. 
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.  Could end the sentence after consciousness, for conciseness.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity These two lines didn't seem to fit so were distracting, maybe add some wording to lead into  L4 so it's a less jarring transition. But I do like the wording, "heirlooms I promised to cherish", to me maybe symbolizing personal principles someone vows within their own heart to keep.

Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles. 
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution" 

All ablaze. 
All turned to ash.
All set to die.

My own betrayal. 
My own trap.
My own bridge. The conclusion seems artfully done to me. The right amount of simplicity to drive it home, loved that you referred to burning ones own bridge. Being that its not usually used that way it really makes the reader think and brings everything back around somehow.

Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to more of your writing.
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Messages In This Thread
The Fires of Betrayal - by JasonM. - 01-22-2017, 03:33 PM
RE: The Fires of Betrayal - by SarcasticEmpathy - 01-22-2017, 07:30 PM
RE: The Fires of Betrayal - by JasonM. - 01-23-2017, 04:09 PM
RE: The Fires of Betrayal - by Myotis - 01-23-2017, 02:49 AM
RE: The Fires of Betrayal - by rowens - 01-23-2017, 06:24 AM
RE: The Fires of Betrayal - by Brownlie - 01-25-2017, 10:39 AM
RE: The Fires of Betrayal - by Winterloc - 02-16-2017, 10:31 AM



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