02-12-2017, 02:33 PM
They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And babbled about her ex, a bloke
who'd take her on the edge, make her scream,
thrusting on bourbon and coke.
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone
as he thought of an inappropriate joke.
I think that in the original, the punchline is a little random. It's not macabre, it's not funny. It's just lame. You need to make it more ridiculous for it to work.
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, "Is that safe?"
"Yes, I've been doing this for years!"
And babbled about her ex, a bloke
who'd take her on the edge, make her scream,
thrusting on bourbon and coke.
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone
as he thought of an inappropriate joke.
I think that in the original, the punchline is a little random. It's not macabre, it's not funny. It's just lame. You need to make it more ridiculous for it to work.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe